This is a personal journal piece; this opens up so much of how I believe and how I function as a life traveler. This is my understanding of Hebrews 11, the great cloud of witnesses. My purpose for releasing this piece is to show what healing can come from this understanding. I am always a healed being healed. When will the process end? I am not sure it will ever end.
My day started with vertigo and severe head pain. After queering God on this thing, God said he was healing abuse damage. It caused me not to make it to church. Feeling a little down about not making morning church, yet realizing it was the right choice for the day. Then Christ came to me and said more time for healing from the cloud.
This healing began with a meeting with my parents and a time of forgiveness, given for every blow I took from them. Seeking to free me from their pain that does not exist in the glory they walk in, yet it still affects me so they want me to be free. They seek to be forgiven and accept my forgiveness given them. The healing time with parent ends with my grandmother appearance seeking forgiveness for all the pain she caused in her life and beyond. We exchange forgiveness; I feel at peace. Then I hear a familiar voice. Then another then another, till five of my fiances and the girlfriend that past, are with me. I feel such immense love from them all.
My first fiance Julie Ann approaches and says walk with me awhile. She says to me, “My purpose was to challenge you to become more and help you understand your world and be a strength for you, to pull you from the darkness that had swallowed you. These things I did then on cue and at my time of leaving, I left. I enjoy the joy you brought me. I wish for Christ to give you back all the memories of the fun and joy you gave me. That is my prayer. Your love was strong and is still felt. ” Typical of July Ann, she has gone after her words are spoken; except a feeling of being deeply loved, forgiven, accepted and given the joyful happy memories of those time with her.
I find her sister Debbie by my side. Cuddling into me as she did in life. She being much shorter than me, it’s hard to explain how she could do this and still walk, yet she did. She looks at me and I begin to weep. Words pouring out of me, how sorry I am, that I was so foolish. She does now, what she did in life. raising herself up to my lips and silent’s my words with a kiss. She begins, ” My death was not your fault. It was a brain thing which exploded. I die instantly. Because of my fall and the damage to my head, it was never found. Not your fault. ” Those words echo into a guilt-ridden part of my multichanneled-being and tears begin to flow like rain. Not tears of guilt and shame; no these were sorrow mixed with joy tears. She continues, “You made my sister passing bearable. And did not even want to call me fiance, yet in due course, it happened. Out of fear of harm (real or imagined), you kept it from your family as you had Julie’s.. ‘Know, deep know’, you made me happy.” My last few years on the earth plain were amazing because of you. Broken, bleeding yet you made me laugh. Struggling to breathe and suffering from terror dream yet you gave me ecstasy, joy, and peace. You must know I hold nothing against you. I wish the how of my passing would have been known. So all these years you would not have had to bear the guilt and shame thinking you contributed to my death. My love, you are forgiven and I accept your forgiveness. My prayer for you is you will remember all the joy and laughter you gave me.” Then she fades, gone yet not, back in the cloud, feeling great love and being loved, shame and guilt are gone.
Christ smiles and then the third fiance arrives. She look at me and say, ” Boo why are so hard on yourself? Changing the details, when you know them all so well. Carrying so much shame and guilt? Boo, NO MORE. My name was strange it true. I came from a strange place and you made me welcome on earth. My belief you did not ridicule; my ways you did not tease; you were amazing. As you know, I had heart issues that cause me to be weak; yet I refused it. That night after crying myself to sleep knowing I was not strong and would not see my earth gypsy again. I died before the train left the track before my body was crushed from it roll down the hill. I was gone, in the arms of a God of love, because of you. Without you my love, I would not have made it. Sometime soon I will be beside you. You will find my grave in Vancouver, you will find the cemetery where my earth suit lies and there your sorrow will end and you can lay the flower on my grave that you wished to so long ago. Know you brought me great joy and showed me the way to redemption. I glad my last few months were with you. My prayer for you is to remember the moment of ecstasy you brought me when you woke me up to what my senses can feel and the joy and remember your kind, kind heart and the comfort on my face. You are forgiven and I accept your forgiveness.” Ullanda steps back into the cloud.
I feel her before she by my side. I have tried to blot out her name because I was not strong enough to pull her from that car that day. This has made my story of her unbelievable. Jackalynn, she’s tall as ever and embraces me like a bear hugging a tree She says silly Bear-Bear, blaming yourself for my decision to drive in blinding snow. Silly Bear-Bear for having all that guilt and shame, it was my choice to go and be drawn into the family dispute, and it was my choice to go that day and that hour. Now Bear-Bear let it go. You are forgiven and I ask you to forgive me. I was with God, there was no pain. Bear-Bear it all as it was supposed to be. You brought me great joy and great peace to my world of chaos. Taught me of love, ecstasy, and pleasure. Taught me to laugh and help me feel joy and forgiveness. Please remember me. Please don’t take away the good memories. I am here Bear-Bear, cheering you on to your amazing destiny.” Then she is gone yet the love is felt and memories remain.
That whistling… I forgot you completely, did I not. Wow! Rachel, how could I remove such a lovely thing from my memory? What did I do to you, not a stitch remains? “It ok my love, I will help you understand the forgetting. I am here now, please let go off all the guilt and shame. I am here, in this place because of you, because of your efforts, I am not lost on the endless path. Now you remember me, don’t you? Yes, you did not prevent the dark one from taking me. Look at that night, really look. A whole coven stood seeking my death and you removed them. I was weak and allowed that dark being to trick me into giving up my life. Yet you fought for my soul and as you see you won. God heard you and I am in glory now because of you. Because you took a wet disgusting whore into your house and did not sleep with her. Taught her to grow and love herself, taught her of redemption, forgiveness, mercy and that she was a worthy being and worthy of love. That is what you did, you got me here and I am grateful and will love you always. Forgiven for what I do not know, yet I forgive you to release you and accept your forgiveness’. Please remember our fun time, crazy time and happy times,” She is gone her love linger around me.
Megan comes and stands by me. “You lunk-head.” said with great affection. “You know my driving skill yet I was T-boned by a drunk man. Why? I was not angry at you. Yes, we had fought and I had said it was over. I am a fiery one. It was not true-it being over. I loved you more because you stood your ground. I was going to phone you when I got home and say yes you lunk-head I will marry you. It was not to be I had kept a secret from you. Now I know you knew of my illness and never said a thing. Well, my illness took me before the car smashed and broke me. My heart exploded and I was gone. Release the guilt and shame of the fight and let go of all your false responsibility. You are forgiven and I accept your forgiveness. Please accept mine. Please allow the good memories, the funny situations and the time of ecstasy to return to your memory. I love you my amazing lunk-head and I always will.” Her energy fades back into the cloud. Seeing her wearing a cheerleader’s outfit saying, “You can do it.”
I smile saying, THANK YOU!
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